Forced Amateurs
Ok, I am upset today. I admit it. You should know this as you read and evaluate it as such….but consider what I am saying as well. If I hear one more young parent tell me that they know what is best for their child, I may explode. Do they really believe that? I can believe that a parent knows their child the best, but they don’t always know what is best for their child! If so, why go to doctors? Just do what is best! Why utilize teachers, counselors, or mentors? Just teach them if you are so aware of what is best. Why do you read all those books if you know what is best already? You are the expert! Right? Or do you just KNOW your child better than anyone else?
Young parents today, and some not so young, need to wake up and recognize the absence of maturity in their leadership as parents. We have given to parents the role of total authority without any experience. It would be like asking a first time driver to drive the Indy 500. Our culture and the world’s brokenness are impacting the way we raise up kids…and the impact is getting devastating. Don’t get me wrong, I believe that a parent must have the final say for their kids, but they must also utilize more knowledgeable people and at some point let that child make their own choices as an adult.
What is the underlying problem? First, we no longer have generational homes where parents instruct their kids on how to raise kids. Second, our culture is changing so fast that often the way we raised kids a generation ago is different from their needs today. Third, the individualism and brokenness we have as people is being thrown upon our kids and their future. It seems we have an entire generation of parents who either abandon or overprotect. Fourth, the internet with all of its information and mis-information is being consumed and utilized by undiscerning and totally inexperienced parents.
Why does it matter? If raising children is one of the most important roles in our society, why would we leave it to amateurs alone? Yes, I know the internet has all knowledge…but that is a far cry from all wisdom! We need more wisdom and experience in raising kids…and today’s parents shun it. I don’t think God ever intended for young parents to raise children on their own – that is our societal independence coming into play.
I implore all parents today, acknowledge your own amateur status and look for help from more experienced and knowledgeable parents, doctors, counselors, and mentors. Trouble knowing who to look to for help? Look to their kids! Consider the parents and specialists who have adult children who you admire and want your kids to be like. Spend some time with them…learn from them…consider their insight. They might know more of what is better for your kids then you do!
Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice. Proverbs 13:10
- Written by Ed Palpant
November 11th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Okay, I’m understanding your point, but I think any mother may be hesitant to acknowledge our “amateur status” as you put it when it comes to raising our kids. Let me explain. My first son was born on September 13th, 1985. I went into labor on September 12th. I was taken to the hospital in pain and told I wasn’t dialated enough, so I was taken back home to be in the most excrutiating pain for the whole night. I was taken to the hospital again and told they could not take me STILL. Finally, the next day around noon, my mother dropped me off at the hospital and told them, “You’re keeping her. I can’t take it anymore”. I ended up having my son by c-section at 9:23 that evening. That was some serious pain. Anyway, once I looked into the eyes of my son, my whole world changed. The pain was gone and I thanked God that He had given me such a gift. I knew at that moment that I was responsible for raising him and nurturing him to become a responsible young man who fears and reverences the Lord.
I wrote all that because I think many of caring mothers can be categorized as “overprotected” because of our labor and even in carrying the child for 9 months. The only person who knows the child while in the womb is the mother. We already have the bond before anyone else does So instead of overprotection, I’d rather lable it “extremely caring”. I think it’s just a mother’s way of not wanting anything to happen to what was gifted to them by the Lord. We don’t see ourselves as overprotected, but doing what our instincts tell us. I believe in motherly instincts. Some times we just don’t know why we know our children are going through something difficult or is in danger, but a mother just knows. It reminds me of our heavenly father. He knows us too. He definitely knows what’s best for us. I don’t think we would’ve been given our children if we didn’t know.
Now, to answer Ed’s blog, I do agree that others should be involved in the raising of kids. The saying, “It takes a village to raise a child”, has meaning. Especially within the christian community. But I think the issue is someone else knowing what’s best. I love my children and I know that I would never want anything bad to happen to them and I only want what’s best. If I need help, I would ask for help. And if a loving parent needs help, I hope they would not be selfish or too prideful not to seek help by others who care about their child.
See, I gave in a little.
November 17th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
Ok, I gave it a week. Now some push back. You were angry when you wrote. This one has triggered me for a long time…so consider that as you read.
I get where you’re coming from. It’s frustrating to be trying to help someone, especially when you have more experience, only to have them blithely ignore your suggestions. It’s annoying when you’re dealing with regular life issues; it’s maddening when the health or well being of their child is at stake. I’ll give you that.
But-
The responsibility goes both ways. Young parents need to have the humility to ask for help. We need to find ways to marry our desire for advice and input with our best intentions of providing a good upbringing for the adults we’re raising. But more experienced parents need to be willing to make themselves available to us as well. We need encouragement. We need someone, once in a while, to cheer us on and say, “Hang in there! You’re doing great!! You’re not alone.”
Because, I’ve got to tell you…that is seriously lacking in our society and, yes, in our church. I’ve ASKED for help. I’ve gone to the parents or parent of older children I admire, and I’ve asked for help. And, very consistently, the door has been closed in my face. “I’m too busy” or “Wow, there must be something wrong with your child, my child NEVER did that” or “I’m not going to spend time on this, ask someone else” can be crushing. I’m fortunate in that some of our closest friends at ECC have kids of all ages…so they are a wonderful resource for us. But, before we were lucky enough to hook up with them, that door got slammed in my face several times. And, honestly, I don’t remember ever having one of the parents of the older kids in our community come along side me and say, “Hey, you’re doing a good job.”
I know, first hand, that sometimes it’s hard to accept that it takes a village to raise a child. But we’ve got to make sure that when young parents ask to be a part of the village, we include them and not make them feel like outsiders or screw ups when they DO ask for help.
November 30th, 2008 at 12:42 am
Being an elder is frustrating. You can see the truck coming around the corner to crash into the youngsters before they can. When to speak up and when not to, with my grown children, has been a chalange. I guess each generation must make it’s own way. If only we could be building blocks on all the wisdom before us…but then we would be divine.